AURACLES BY MJ
Written by Malaysia M. J
05 Dec 2023
NOTE: NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL SINGLE BLACK MOTHERS
Something’s ought to give, I know I am not the only one that notices. The environments we are in, the people we are surrounded by, or the lack thereof…
First, we all have a sense of entitlement to a degree, though no one is perfect.
Awareness is first, mindfulness follows, and then onto action.
Fact: We all stress.
In the past year, 74% of people have felt so stressed they have been overwhelmed or unable to cope. (Mental Health Foundation)
77% of Americans have used addictive behaviors or unhealthy coping mechanisms to manage their mental health, according to Myriad Genetics nationwide survey. (Genesight)
People who are unhappy or even in pain tend to take comfort in knowing they’re not alone in their suffering by making others miserable, too. (grammarist.com)
Misery most certainly loves company.
BIRD STORY
For context, while I was pregnant, two birds became parents on the fire escape of our apartment. I witnessed the hen nurture and feed her hatchlings while the cock flew off frequently. Returning with sticks to add to the nesting area, I was almost sure the cock was doing more than allowing the hen to “make the house a home.”
In most species of bird, the female alone builds the nest. In many of the rest, the job is shared – either equally, or with one parent bringing the materials, and the other in charge of construction. However, for some birds, nest-building is part of the male’s efforts to attract a mate. (Discover Wildlife)
Soon after, my bird family flew away, and approximately 2 years flew by.
One bird returned. I had an intense feeling; it was 1 of the 2 birds from a couple of years ago.
My husband assured, “That’s the son looking for the next nesting spot for his mother.”
Why did he say, Mother? I’m not sure, maybe it was small (in his defense). But my response was automatic, “Yes if she’s a single mother.”
The U.S.A. has the highest rate of children raised in single-parent households.
Almost a quarter of U.S. children under the age of 18 live with one parent and no other adults (23%), more than three times the share of children around the world who do so (7%). The study, which analyzed how people’s living arrangements differ by religion, also found that U.S. children from Christian and religiously unaffiliated families are about equally likely to live in this type of arrangement.
In comparison, 3% of children in China, 4% of children in Nigeria and 5% of children in India live in single-parent households. In neighboring Canada, the share is 15%.
Satisfyingly, 39% of married black Americans led their households in 2021. I’d love to think this percentage has increased with the amount of Black excellence notoriety. Though at the rate of children we are having, the marriage rate must increase to reflect on our children and essentially help minimize malbehavior and dysfunction. Ultimately bring the mental health crisis to a hault.
Opinion
Aside from the substantial love and authority a father provides to his child(ren), there is a role he plays in a woman’s life as her husband, child’s father, partner, or whatever have you. Exclude the factors that possibly made her a single mother, she too still has needs and desires–she remains a woman.
Therefore, whether any of the 7 love languages: gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch, moms/single mothers require some if not all.
In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counseling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.
He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. (Greatergood.berkeley.edu/)
The absence of a parent does not alter these needs. The is now a child involved, so the dynamic has changed.
Parenting was not set up for mom to do alone.
Never am I expressing the inability of women to complete some of the same tasks as men. The inability to play the role of the nurturer and protector as it pertains to the positive development of a child? Yes.
I prefer tradition. I also choose not to take on more work than necessary. Pro *gender roles 100%.
*The role or behavior considered to be appropriate to a particular gender as determined by prevailing cultural norms.
Yes, I can take out the trash. Yes, I can work full-time and be away from my child if needed. I will find someone to watch my child and hope for the best. I can call someone or learn how to fix my car when the engine light comes on. With a child, I can carry all these damn grocery totes up five flights of steps, yes. Unbearable amounts of stress when handling disputes with landlords and customer service. Or heated discussions with school officials because other children have not been taught what to say and what not to say.
Undergo stress when bills are dead lining, all awhile loving on and nurturing my child? BARELY.
Why would I do that?
Why would I intentionally set myself and my child up for disaster?
Why would I want to take on such a masculine role?
Lacking coping skills and accountability can likely burden the child.
The absence of the father in the home can/will affect the behavior of both the child and the mother,
physically and mentally.
When the home is not nuclear (refers to a household consisting of a father, a mother, and their children, all in one household dwelling), emotional stress and mom rage will possibly form. Not learning how to cope can result in delegating heavily and placing burdens on the children.
In my community, the Black community, heavy delegation can come in the form of chores, many store runs, etc. Or the single mother who cares so much. Therefore, prefers you to stay at home and calls excessively when you do leave.
Research has identified two orthogonal dimensions of parenting behaviors that are consistently associated with youth mental illness: involvement and negative control (Alloy et al., 2001; Schaefer, 1965a).
Be aware that these dimensions of parenting behaviors will determine the amount and intensity of the store runs, chores, and excessive calls for location.
Single mothers were more likely to engage in psychologically controlling behaviors, which predicted that their adolescent offspring would experience higher rates of depressive symptoms and externalizing disorders. Likely, single mothers are not inherently inferior parents relative to cohabitating mothers; rather, their parenting practices are often compromised by a myriad of demands and stressors. Consistent with this postulate, low socioeconomic status was associated with single motherhood and negative parenting behaviors.
Single-mother families are far more likely to experience poverty than two-parent families due to the loss of a partner’s finances, lower maternal educational attainment, and discriminatory wages against women (Cherlin, 1992; Goodrum, Jones, Kincaid, Cueller, & Parent, 2012). Further, members of single-mother families spend less time together because of the additional obligations that mothers and their children have in the absence of an additional primary caretaker (Kendig & Bianchi, 2008). The disruptions that the family as a system experiences often compound with maladjustments that individual family members experience. More specifically, single mothers are more likely than cohabitating mothers (mothers who live with a spouse or partner; Kendig & Bianchi, 2008) to experience episodic and chronic depression, anxiety, substance abuse, stressful life events, low self-esteem, social isolation, and lack of emotional support (Lipman, Offord, & Boyle, 1997; McBride-Murry, Bynum, Brody, Willert, & Stephens, 2001).
Furthermore, single mothers are more likely than cohabitating mothers to parent with rejecting and psychologically controlling behaviors (Amato, 1993; Hilton & Devall, 1998; Kincaid, Jones, Cuellar, & Gonzalelz, 2011; McBride-Murry et al., 2001).
Many factors, such as increased rates of poverty, familial stress, and parenting responsibilities (Jackson, Preston, & Franke, 2010), create additional challenges for single motherhood, rendering a mother’s job incredibly demanding and difficult.
HOW DOES THIS AFFECT KIDS IN THE FUTURE?
As “family” is depicted in society, how could a child deem it okay for their father to be absent? Regardless of how much money mom may have, her status, or how happy she may seem. Where is daddy?
Aside from the inability to listen to authority, whether to teachers, law enforcement, or your boss, there are too many negative side effects resulting from the absence of a father to chance it.
The Long-term Consequences of Growing Up Without a Father
Across numerous studies, children raised in single-mother families are at heightened risk for substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and externalizing behaviors and disorders (Amato & Keith, 1991; Aseltine, 1996; Dodge, Petit, & Bates, 1994; Hilton & Devall, 1998; Schleider et al., 2014).
Note: Additionally, single-mother families can be preferable childhood environments to parental cohabitation if there are severe inter-parental conflicts (Amato & Keith, 1991).
Typically, although not naturally, most women are nurturers. And since excessive amounts of anything usually do not have great results, all this nurturing turned coddling can cause resentment.
Nurturing care comprises of five interrelated and indivisible components: good health, adequate nutrition, safety and security, responsive caregiving, and opportunities for early learning.
So, what happens when it’s overbearing? When does this nurturing love start to seem annoying or resemble restrictions and demands?
As for the effect of overprotection on the well-being of the child, studies have shown that overprotective parenting can lead to risk aversion, a dependency on the parents, a higher risk of psychological disorders, a lack of strong coping mechanisms, and chronic anxiety—which intuitively, makes a lot of sense. A child that is not allowed to take risks or make his or her own choices is bound to face a lot of anxiety and trouble when having to face the harsh realities of a chaotic world. Interestingly enough, the effects of overprotectiveness share uncanny similarities to those of neglect, albeit to a lesser degree. (https://bpr.berkeley.edu/2019/04/16/overprotective-parents-and-a-new-generation-of-american-children/#:~:text=As%20for%20the%20effect%20of,makes%20a%20lot%20of%20sense)
Note:
As I am not a single parent, I commend the great moms who strive every day. My mother was a single parent who did the same—strived…and here I am.
“The communities we have and create for ourselves matter.”
-Malaysia’Monét J
References:
Stephanie Kramer, U.S. has world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households, (2019) Pew Research Center
MOHAMAD MOSLIMANI, CHRISTINE TAMIR, ABBY BUDIMAN, LUIS NOE-BUSTAMANTE AND LAUREN MORA, Facts About the U.S. Black Population, (2023) Pew Research Center
Daryanai, I., Hamilton, J. L., Abramson, L. Y., & Alloy, L. B. (2016). Single Mother Parenting and Adolescent Psychopathology. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 44(7), 1411. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-016-0128-x
Nurturing care for children living in humanitarian settings. https://www.rescue.org/sites/default/files/document/5474/9789240016132-eng.pdf
Mental Health Foundation. Stress: Statistics. (2018) https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/statistics/stress-statistics#:~:text=In%20the%20past%20year%2C%2074,overwhelmed%20or%20unable%20to%20cope
Do birds ever share the job of nest-building? Discover Wildlife. (2023) BBC Wild Life Magazine. https://www.discoverwildlife.com/animal-facts/birds/bird-nests-guide
VIDEO TO CONSIDER:
1986 SPECIAL REPORT:”THE VANISHING BLACK FAMILY”